Hey, ladies! You’ve been having babies the wrong way since the beginning of time. Luckily, there is some hope for you. Back in 1965, George and Charlotte Blonsky invented a new way of childbirth that was the subject of U.S. patent 3,216,423, and here is how it works.
The Blonsky Baby-Spinner Birthing Method:
1) You get strapped down to a huge table while naked;
2) The table spins rapidly in a large circle; and
3) The spinning force gently rips a baby out of you.
What about doctors? How are they involved?
Unfortunately, doctors, medical staff and your partner cannot be near you because the spinning table would smash into them – they must stay back a safe distance until the baby finally shoots out. But don’t worry, they can stand around the machine and yell in support as you spin by. It’s totally fine and having people at your bedside during childbirth is overrated anyway.
This sounds great, but what happens to the baby? Where does it go?
It’s true, the baby does come shooting out at high velocity. In early prototypes, doctors were only able catch the flying baby some of the time, so we installed a net to catch the baby instead. Trust us, it works great! (See Figure 3 of the patent below):
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