Crazy/Strange/Weird Patents

Sucking a toilet can save your life!

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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New PictureWhat is going on here? A guy with a tube, sucking on a toilet?  Yes, that’s exactly what’s going on.  Stick with me and I’ll explain why you might actually want to do this yourself given the right situation.

Why would I ever want to suck out of a toilet?
Imagine this: you’re staying in an upper floor of a high-rise hotel and a fire breaks out.  Unfortunately, you are trapped in your room because of smoke and fire outside, and as in most hotels, the windows do not open.  Smoke begins to fill the room, and you are quickly running out of air to breath.  What do you do?

Plumbing that leads to sewer lines, including toilets, have a “gas trap” of standing water that prevents sewer gasses from leaking into a room. In the case of a smoke filled room, this works the opposite direction – the gas trap stops smoke from entering the sewer lines, which still have breathable air.

Gross. So I would be sucking on sewer gas?
Yes, sewer gas is extremely nasty as you can probably imagine, but when faced with imminent death due to smoke inhalation, beggars can’t be choosers.  Luckily, the invention shown above in William Holmes’ U.S. patent 4,320,756 that issued in 1982 provides a solution to this.  In addition to providing a tube that can snake through the gas trap and into the air in the sewer line, it also has a charcoal filter that makes heinous sewer gas taste like a warm spring day.

I initially came across this patent with the intention of including it in my series of “crazy patents” posts, but despite the hilarious drawings, the invention actually serves a legitimate purpose.  That being said, there is a reason why this was never a standard-issue appliance in all hotel rooms and why travelers did not pack one of these as an essential item on all trips. A bit crazy, but a bit cool as well.

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No time to pet your dog? You need the auto-petter!

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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AutoPetterSmallc
Figs. 1 and 2 of U.S. Patent 4,872,422

If you have a busy life, you might not have time to give your dog the attention that she deserves. Instead of allowing your dog to be sad and neglected, why not get yourself a dog auto-petter as shown in U.S. Patent 4,872,422 that was issued to Rita Della Vecchia in 1989.

But what if my dog is really big or extremely small?
Luckily, the auto-petter arm can be raised and lowered on its stand so that it can be custom-fit to the height of your precious pet.

So how does the auto-petter know when to pet my dog?
Well, some versions of the auto-petter have an “electronic eye” that sees when the dog is in the right position under the arm, and then begins to vigorously pet and scratch the dog.

Do dogs enjoy the auto-petter?
Of course they do!  What dog would not love a disembodied hand that would come to life and touch the dog when the dog came near it.  Not convinced? The patent drawings show an example of a satisfied customer:

AutoPetterDog
Picture of a dog loving the auto-petter.

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Patent on Exercising Cat With A Laser

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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Patent on Exercising Cat With A Laser
Fig. 1 of U.S. patent 5,443,036

Be careful the next time you are playing with your cat – you might be infringing the “method of inducing aerobic exercise in an unrestrained cat” protected by U.S. patent 5,443,036.

The patented method comprises two steps:

“(a) directing an intense coherent beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus to produce a bright highly-focused pattern of light at the intersection of the beam and an opaque surface, said pattern being of visual interest to a cat; and

(b) selectively redirecting said beam out of the cat’s immediate reach to induce said cat to run and chase said beam and pattern of light around an exercise area.”

In other words, the patent essentially covers shining a laser light near a cat and then moving the light so that the cat chases it.

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Wrist Watch for Dogs (#CrazyPatents)

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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Dog watchLet’s face it – dogs are terrible at keeping track of time.  While it’s true that dogs staunchly believe in being fashionably late, typically the issue is simply that dogs don’t have access to clocks while out and about.

Unfortunately, having access to human clocks is not enough.  As we all know, dogs live in “dog years,” which means that dogs cannot fathom human-time, plus their poor math skills makes it impossible for them to convert to dog-time.  In other words, human clocks are completely worthless to dogs.

Luckily there is a solution to this age-old conundrum.  As described in U.S. Patent 5,023,850, wrist watches can be made for dogs that automatically keep time in dog years.  Sheer genius!

As shown in Fig. 1 of the patent, (reproduced on the left), dogs love to chill out and check the watch that is wrapped around their dog-arm.

 

FIG. 1 shows a watch according the present invention in the form of a wristwatch worn by a typical dog.

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Don’t have a baby the old fashioned way. Spin it out! (#CrazyPatents)

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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BabySpinner1
Fig. 2 of U.S. patent 3,216,423.

Hey, ladies! You’ve been having babies the wrong way since the beginning of time.  Luckily, there is some hope for you.  Back in 1965, George and Charlotte Blonsky invented a new way of childbirth that was the subject of U.S. patent 3,216,423, and here is how it works.

The Blonsky Baby-Spinner Birthing Method:
1) You get strapped down to a huge table while naked;
2) The table spins rapidly in a large circle; and
3) The spinning force gently rips a baby out of you.

What about doctors? How are they involved?
Unfortunately, doctors, medical staff and your partner cannot be near you because the spinning table would smash into them – they must stay back a safe distance until the baby finally shoots out.  But don’t worry, they can stand around the machine and yell in support as you spin by.  It’s totally fine and having people at your bedside during childbirth is overrated anyway.

This sounds great, but what happens to the baby?  Where does it go?
It’s true, the baby does come shooting out at high velocity.  In early prototypes, doctors were only able catch the flying baby some of the time, so we installed a net to catch the baby instead.  Trust us, it works great!  (See Figure 3 of the patent below):

BabySpinner2
Fig. 3 of U.S. patent 3,216,423 showing the baby net.

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Exercise your snake, bro! (#CrazyPatents)

Published on by Dylan O. Adams
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Fig. 4 of patent us 6490999 b1 - funny picture of walking a snake on a leash
Fig. 4 of US Patent 6490999 B1 -Snake Leash Patent

Snake obesity is at epidemic levels these days, especially for domesticated snakes.  These snakes can slither back and forth in their terrariums, but this is not enough exercise to keep the pounds off.  The only solution is to get these fat snakes outside for a walk, but letting chubby snakes roam free on their own is not a good idea.  Lucky for us, Mr. Donald Robert Martin Boys of Bella Vista, California, invented a novel snake leash, which is described in U.S. patent 6,490,999 that issued in 2002.

Sounds great for my snake, but won’t this make me look uncool?
You must be kidding.  Fig. 4 of the patent should be a clear example of how awesome you will look walking a snake around your neighborhood.  Killer sunglasses, a serious stare, and a pair of classy loafers is only one of the many looks that goes well with snake-walking.

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